Inside my custard 

Am I the only one that has conversations with themselves, inside the old custard or out? 

I’ve probably had more conversations in my head than out loud. This got me thinking. 

Why do I feel the need to have such talks to myself about myself and others. Why? Don’t feel I am listened to? The anxious mind fighting the arguments inside about situations or people. Things I wish I could say! 

Have I posted these kinds of conversations on here before? 

Yes

Think I’ve apologised to my family and thanked them unknowingly via my writing and as my family gave up reading my stupid stuffier stuff a long time ago. I’ve allowed myself to flow more honestly and unfiltered. 

I wrote about meeting the man I love so many times, how I want to be and how I want to be seen. Being invisible to people that know me I am ok with. 

So…

Cue music..

Dear darling, please excuse my grammar I am cold and my hands are shakey. 

One day you’ll ask what happened. Something tells me you will say it out loud before I will. As history has shown me. I’d be surprised if you didn’t ask the question. 

However, if it’s never mentioned by you then every little niggle I had a bout you was spot on. It’s not that I don’t like you, I love you. The Main things that changed recently are how I viewed our relationship. 

That all? 

Well yes as my idea of our relationship wasn’t in line with yours. I was left feeling unsupported and I got annoyed when I found myself expecting the same kind of idea or view back. 

You ain’t done nothing wrong so please don’t take it as an attack. It’s not that I can’t tolerate you! I enjoy you, I enjoy others less and some, more. My view changed. I backed away and then I think I left you feeling the way I felt. You backed off. 

Year one

It’s been that long. So much has happened so much I would have normally involved you with. I see your plate was full and complicated. 

I am trying to be less of an arsehole. It’s a work in progress. I know I annoy and piss people off. That’s not unusual as post people annoy and piss off others all the time. I spent a long time trying to people please. So I wasn’t the source of anyone’s annoyance. Epic fail! 

Our lives are probably very different than before and that’s great! Means we are moving forward, living! It’s about what we had and I cherish the memories I have of us. Don’t ever think I didn’t mean, enjoy and love our times together. You helped me grow, you helped me see. I thank you for that and don’t wish no ill will on you or those close to you. 

So if you ever do ask, what happened? I hope this explanation helps you understand and that your feelings matter to me enough to have this conversation inside my custard. 

T.S

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