Questions From mumma bear

I sit smoking my menthols with my 12 year olds headphones on, Spotify scaring the shit out of me now and then! A throw from the living room, pillow and a towel, laid out on the back patio. I call it patio but lol that is not what it is at the moment! Rolled up longe pants, strapless bra purchased earlier this day. Straps tucked into my top. People don’t lay in the garden anymore? I feel I just stepped back to my twenties! Ain’t it fake tan now? Do me a favour if you can’t answer any of my other questions can you answer this one.

Do women over 35 lay in the sun with no cream or oil on? 

I feel old these days, pain and seeing my ‘old ways’ principles that are terribly out dated. I didn’t realise how ignorant I’ve been. How hateful and self righteous I’ve played myself. I really didn’t think much of myself once. Trying these days to keep grounded. I feel more motherly  than any other side of my personality. Recent real life events have pushed my focus on caring more around me. Wake up call if you like.

As my cousin rubs on their 30 quid of lotions to appear tanned, I lay here with that constant buzz and touch like no other from the sun. I’ve missed this thing more than anything else. It effects my mood in bizarre ways!

It’s a touch like no other it covers more area at anyone time. That’s what I feel, I feel something touching me and as it touches it get stronger with every second (you are buring you fucking idiot!) no! The feeling of being touched everywhere all at one makes me want to lay naked. The sun on my flesh makes my clothes feel like prickly heat. That’s what makes me go in from the sun. Not the sun burning me but because the covered parts are fighting to be touched! 

With each minute the touch from the sun gets more intense. Feels like it’s healing my flesh no burning it. It feels like I don’t want to ever go away! Wishing I was closer to it. Wishing I was on a private beach! 

My legs look like milk bottles! I plan on changing that for the summer. Suddenly I am more aware of events and seeing family. Before I had been kinda indifferent about it.

OMG what a song! If it makes you happy..then why the hell are you so sad! If it makes you happy..it can’t be that bad! 

Am I stuck in a time zone that is outdated too? Am I that old in my head? I am pushing up on 40 like a cheap lap dance. I ain’t scared of it so much as I now feel like I am dying. And more recently I want to live! So I fear the aging process! I hurt and take fistfuls of pills so I don’t die before I am 80. 

That’s my date. Hoping that when it’s my time to go that I go helping or saving another persons life. Am I having a mid life crisis? 

Is this normal to feel ultra aware of my age? My mind instantly flashes over women’s faces that I know, love, admire. My mind searches for a memory of them at their 40th and how they dressed, hair, make up ect. 

A fear of mine is that I don’t dress to my age. This is something I am currently working on also with same cousin that is fake tanning their legs! (Sorry) I am not on their level or even near it when it comes to self awareness and self care! But trying I am! 

The sun is laying on my back. Not heavy but can feel it there on my exposed skin. A heavenly breeze across the garden and the Lilly Allen song, somewhere only we go. 

Do all these things happen for a reason? Feeling more messages the last couple of days too. Feeling pretty grounded although it feels like it’s always moving and throwing me off balance. 

Is this a message? A message for myself when I think I’ll be super old and not all there all the time. Do I hope that one day these stories will be the memories of me. I keep my nans book that she wrote in. Makes me feel connected. Is that the age thing again? Death obsession? I’ve dreamt my own funeral is that normal? 

Mumma Bear has so many questions.. can you answer any of my questions? 

This is me asking for advice and help. 

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2 comments

  1. I love laying the garden, LOVE LOVE LOVE, but I find it hard to find the time now to sit still and not feel like inshould be doing something else and the older I get (and the more moles that turn strange) the more scared I get of sitting it, but am loving my shorts so having to resort to ‘the fake tan’ so feel half human, I’m scared the sun will kill me! X

    Like

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